Another Day…
The shame persists. I am determined to shrug it off and do better; to move forward, but the lingering sense of regret just wont leave me.
As I write, I’m considering what I should do today. There are so many things to be done. Its overwhelming. I could go shopping, but there’s nothing I need. I could tackle an art project, but inspiration evades me. I could do one of several chores around the house that need desperate attention, but I find myself drawn to my wingback and my ipad. You see, escapism has become my drug of choice. Playing mindless games that pause the mind from the persistent overthinking.
I know the way forward. I need to stop this cycle. I need to get my backside out of this chair and begin. One step at a time. Baby steps. I know it would be restorative for my state of mind. On good days, Ive managed to do it and I most certainly felt a surge of accomplishment, but then inevitably, the doubt and self loathing crept back in, followed by anger at myself for being so weak and apathetic.
How does one begin to believe in themselves again? I’m pretty postive that I have the writing skills to pursue it as a career, as I once did, but Ive been out of the game for so long and don't meet the new world requirements on job listings. Its disheartening. I’m a creative, with a passion for interior design, but once again, not suitably qualified, despite helping several friends and family overcome their design woes with pleasing results. I dont have the confidence in my abilities enough to start my own business. Why would the public hire me when they could hire just about anyone else? To be brutally honest, the fear of rejection keeps me frozen in my seat. “You’ll never know until you try” keeps playing in my mind, but the doubts are more formidable.
There’s a light fitting that needs a bulb change and cleaning. There’s an outdoor table that needs light sanding and a coat of varnish. Theres an antique chair that needs restoration. The herb garden needs tending. Which will I tackle today to quiet my mind? I have yet to decide. What I do know is that I’m going to start by feeding my dogs, making a cup of coffee and a snack, and opening my Bible. I have neglected my relationship with the Lord, despite the comfort He always brings me in His Word. When I am weak, He is strong. Today, I really need His strength.